|
|
|
Best Poems From
HERBERT NEHRLICH
(04 October 1943)
|
|
| |
|
|
245.
|
Limericks ***************
In their winter of discontent,
he would sleep on the lawn in a tent
while the lady received
a most rubbery sleeved
little plug, and it wasn't a stent.
From New Jersey she hailed, the au-pair,
trained and good at the proper childcare.
As she slept in the nude
her new boss would conclude
that both nostrils and labia can flare.
She was young and exceedingly chaste,
and Lord Jim had thought, 'what a big waste.'
She: 'Go kiss my sweet hatch
it's all pink near the thatch, '
He: 'Screw grammar, I'll go for the taste.'
In the back of the church, during mass,
were the janitor and a young lass.
They used rubbing and spittle
and perspired a little.
In the end they had polished all brass.
Mister Sheen was a man who was shiny,
since he lived in a tube he was tiny.
Even smaller as such
which means not very much,
was his shiny, but too tiny Heini.
Said the elephant 'If you can climb,
I will give you a bit of my time.
You won't likely get stuck
and a mouse pin brings luck,
interracial is no more a crime.'
'Twas the night when the stork took a turn,
he'd been scheduled to visit Young Vern.
With his SAT on the blink
he drove into the drink
and they covered the kid with some fern.
Presidential is not what he is,
and in matters of state not a wiz,
if you add in his age
you can tear out the page,
watch the weary old soldierboy fizz.
I don't see how the Yanks will elect
a new Prez with a pigment defect.
Though it's often been said
that all racists are dead,
it's intolerance that I detect.
As a salesman of telephones
he would throw in some clever ringtones,
When a blonde rang his bell
he perceived a strange smell,
but it wasn't her pheromones.
Said Tusnelda this life isn't fair.
I had hoped for a bum like a pear.
And to make matters worse
I am writing this verse
while I'm flossing with red pubic hair.
Sir Sylvester said to his new bride,
'Let us have an erotic-type ride, '
though each ride was quite wild,
when she came down with child
the LIVE shell had been shot from the side.
Said Diogenes 'What a cute bum!
You can see that I live in a drum,
would you please crawl inside,
we will go for a ride...'
she said 'No Sir, I really can't cum.'
In the settlement of the divorce,
she got nothing and he got the horse.
She became a great nun,
kindly pardon the pun:
He continued to ride her, of course.
In the summer of forty-four,
Mamma Mia had purchased the store.
She had slaved there for years
with most bills in arrears,
until she could do it no more.
Herbert Nehrlich
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
246.
|
Limericks June '07
I once met a pompous ass
he was Wehrmacht and one of the brass.
And I gladly confess
in the Waffen SS
all the brass liked to pass lots of gas.
Led by Adolf they did like to fart
by relaxing and spreading apart
their two cheeks which hold in
each malodorous grin
and present thus a true work of art.
Back in school we would ride on the bus.
That was me and my best buddy Gus.
After eating some beans
we had surely the means
to make people hold noses and cuss.
When my son caught a Moreton Bay crab
he transported him down to the Lab.
While the Lab could confirm
that all crabs pince and squirm
they said none had the gift of the gab.
There once lived a portly old Vicar.
He was partial to bootlegger's liquor.
And on top of the pulpit
he would gulp it and gulp it
and in time he got sicker and sicker.
I remember my chemistry teacher.
He was more of a preacher than teacher.
Once he talked about dust
and that everyone must
when he dies become one final feature.
In the hay I was resting with Joan.
She was spreadeagled, I rested prone.
When a movement occurred
she first giggled then purred
Is that really your family bone?
On our farm we had one yellow duck.
He was down on his knees and his luck.
He would thoroughly tease
female ducks with his knees
then the females yelled Jesus, you're stuck..
As you know each baboon has a wick.
It could also be called a small prick.
All the monkeys do know
that the height of the show
is to make the wee shishkebab stick.
Yes I know that no real baboon
has an ass like a cheddar-cheese moon.
Monkey see monkey do
that is certainly true
neither looks like a furry raccoon.
Let me tell you about a strange pig.
He would sit in a tree on a twig.
All the animals saw
he was wearing a bra
and on top he was wearing a wig.
Said the bull to the beautiful cow:
I would like to but do not know how.
She said look at my udder
use your thing as a rudder
holy land-o-lake do it right now.
All my uncles like Limburger Cheese.
All my aunts have those dry-socket knees.
Said my grandma girls need
a good Limburger feed
and the drysocket problems will ease.
Said the doctor to schoolteacher Ned.
You must stay for three weeks in your bed.
It was more than malaise
and in twenty-one days
he called in and found Ned truly dead.
It was midnight in Tijuana
and the callgirl kept saying manyana.
But the cowboy insisted
that he wouldn't have kissed it
if she hadn't been from Louisiana.
A tall and quite skinny Canadian
had a grasp of all matters circadian.
When he went to Barbados
he was tricked by muchados
and he married a female Barbadian.
There once was a six foot ten German
he was blond and blue-eyed and named Herrmann.
He once ate a whole apple
in the catholic chapel
and he also slept right through the sermon.
You can find in Bordeaux many French.
They sit out in the streets on a bench.
When one day Monsieur Roche
was called vous κtes un boche
he said, Schwein you are only a Mensch.
I was bursting with nowhere to pee.
And my bladder hung down to the knee.
Then my hangglider crashed
and was utterly smashed
and I swam and then peed in the sea.
Now here is a story I heard.
And I give to you freely my word.
A man went for a swim
for crustaceans to skim
but he only could catch a big turd.
Said the butcher himself to the baker.
you will soon meet the undertaker.
But the baker baked bread
had no time to be dead
and the butcher himself met his maker.
Herbert Nehrlich
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
247.
|
Loveable Limericks # 3
He lived through the intubation
and the five hour operation.
Then went back to his bed
where he slept and fell dead
from protacted emaciation.
A prominent Seattle teacher
had a very unusual feature.
She had buns like a horse
(they had led to divorce) .
Though a horse is a handsome creature.
In the free-thinking city of Leeds
they were smoking the Godfather's weeds,
'til they pulled up the rugs
and found heftier drugs
and experienced much greater needs.
In the city of Tokyo proper
lived a druggie by name of Hopper.
He would sell you some snow
and collect all your dough,
but one day he was shot by a copper.
Once a bum with his whiskey flagon,
looked like Oskar the bearded dragon.,
He drank all of the booze
and he soon made the news.
He was found in a honey wagon.
When a man who was married to Shirl
at a party did give it a whirl,
in the morning he woke
and, half sleeping he spoke
but he called her, mistakenly, Pearl.
When a boxer by name of Keith
got knocked down and was trapped underneath,
when the countdown commenced
he became quite incensed
and attacked by the use of his teeth.
It was Sunday on Malibu Beach
when I noticed a blonde (full of bleach)
so I asked her 'Please Dear
could you possibly smear
on this sunscreen where I cannot reach.'
When I took her to Harrison Spa
it was custom to take off your bra.
I'm a bit of a saint
and was ready to faint,
to this day I'm still much in awe.
If you smoke you will suffer bronchitis
eating junk foods brings full-blown colitis.
Only drinking preserves
all your organs and nerves
and may help prevent tonsillitis.
I'm partial to Limburger Cheese,
and will eat great big pieces with ease.
Though it smells like old socks
that have been in a box
I prefer it to carrots and peas.
The young father had made his decision,
he was truly a man of great vision,
so they cut without numbing
while the mother was humming
but the BOY had the circumcision.
On the lawn sat the Easterbunny
they were hiding behind the old Dunny,
she was spreading her legs
to let roll out the eggs
'Do stop laying', he said to his honey.
In advance of Ceasarian Section
you must give her the proper injection.
There is seldom a need
for this horrible deed,
it's an iatrogenic selection.
An Idaho-bound covered wagon
rolled over a gray bearded dragon
then the Indians attacked
to obtain what they lacked.
It was whiskey they found in the flagon.
Into town came a ragged lone rider
with his horse on a fibreglass glider.
Went to the saloon
where he ordered a spoon
and a soupbowl of crabapple cider.
Herbert Nehrlich
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
248.
|
Mature Student Days
For those of you
who did by chance
read my last poem
Student Days,
I wonder, would you
throw a glance
at what this says,
it does depict
a time of more
maturity.
The tram, it was
identical,
Krupp Steel,
closed windows,
overcrowded,
at five, late in
cloudy day,
when alpine winds
blow through
most any
garments
and every crotch.
Standing room only,
I had the fortune
to be, like a sardine
squeezed in between
the folding door
and one stout blonde,
she smelled of soap,
and Ambush perfume,
and if I had before that day,
seen anything at all,
it would have been
a skimpy substitute.
She was, what
one could call
endowed,
(I'm working on
inventing a term
more fitting) ,
and I was there to
doubtless,
cushion her,
protect her
from sharp edges
and perverts,
who hang about
in trams,
my peers had told me.
I loved that driver,
or perhaps it was
a combination
of track design,
and driving skills,
even voltage
fluctuations,
I understand the
commutator is
the key to smoothness.
Never you mind
I told myself,
taking my role
and wearing
an expression
of pure duty
and responsibility,
a public service
by a clean cut
and mature
young man.
So many turns,
and bumps,
and stops,
and slowing now,
accelerating then,
I wasn't much
of a believer
in those days,
churches cost money,
but thankful thoughts
were sent that day.
The journey ended,
luckily, she had endured
and stayed the trip,
this was no
innercity lady,
she liked the sticks,
the country air
near Starnberg Lake.
We did have,
it is now apparent,
our separate ways
to take.
A final Bim Bim Bim,
and there she went.
It must have been
the streetcar of desire.
Herbert Nehrlich
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|