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Best Poems From
HERBERT NEHRLICH
(04 October 1943)
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477.
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A Limerick Collection (21)
Orthodontists twist wires and braces
and have many unfortunate cases.
But I think they could try
not to twist but to tie
no more wires but cotton shoelaces.
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When a farmer named Alois Rink
who'd been hovering right on the brink,
had not gone to the loo
and was bursting with poo,
it fell out of him, boy did it stink.
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When a girl named Annamaria
saw a doc about her diarrhea
'If it hurts when you piss
then I know what it is,
it's the clap, also called gonorrhea.'
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When a girl who looked utterly sad
told the doc she was fast going mad,
that she'd picked up the clap
from the hot water tap.............
Penicillin for her and the lad.
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A professor named Timothy Lear
had no liking for whiskey or beer.
He kept up full employment
to finance his enjoyment.
As his stuff - LSD- was quite dear.
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In the land of the brave and the free
it's illegal, in public, to pee.
You can shit on the flag
or hang out with a fag,
don't forget to cross every 't'.
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A physician who worked at McGill
on a Monday, mid-morning, fell ill.
They discovered a lack
of the old IPECAC
for good measure they gave him a pill.
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There once was a husky named Rover
who had moved from Alaska to Dover.
When he swam in the Strait
he was taken as bait.
When the sharks wiped their lips it was over.
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When the Duke, also called Mussolini
saw a maiden in purple bikini
he went into the street
said 'so happy to meet,
let us make, you and me, some bambini.'
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And in Spandau there's Rudolph Hess,
playing checkers and saying 'God Bless',
he was Hitler's right man
and he carrried the can
room and board was ten million, no less.
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When the plane which was supersonic
reached top speed they were drinking Gin Tonic,
as they fell from the sky
it was whiskey and rye
for the ones on the ground - how ironic.
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When the shoe salesman looked up her dress,
he said 'Beautiful, I must confess,
I would love to climb higher
and eventually sire
little monsters with you for Lochness.'
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A Jack Russell was heard in the dark.
He would bark on the beach at a shark.
When he ventured too close
he was grabbed by the nose
in the end there was just one more bark.
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When a gangster named Al Capone
was walking in Brooklyn alone,
he was carrying heavy
when away from his Chevy
but he needed a mobile phone.
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They were having a time at the Ritz,
she was flashing, at bedtime, her tits.
When she looked at his sparrow
her green pupils got narrow...
'Oh, don't tell me, he is on the Fritz? '
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A young schizophrenic named Klein
was touring, by steamer, the Rhine.
When he saw his rflection
in the powder room section
he remarked 'that young lady is mine.'
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When after the movie he'd kissed her
he went home, in the morning he missed her.
But when he did pee
he could clearly see
an exotic and frightening blister.
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A lady of means from Madrid
caught the clap on the toilet lid,
though the chances are small
to catch something at all
'twas the mansion of Billy The Kid.
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'For a handful of shiny new quarters
you can stay here and drink holy waters.'
Said the nun at the door,
'and for fifty cents more
you can screw all my sons and my daughters.'
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A baby boy, recently born
had a growth on his forehead - a horn.
But the doctor remained
in his manner restrained
and he said 'I'll be back in the morn.'
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A donkey, who jealous of horses
was dreaming of heavenly forces.
But the Gods were not buying
though the donkey was crying,
he was left with his donkey resources.
***************************************************
Herbert Nehrlich
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478.
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A Limerick Collection (26)
An aging, cantankerous Jew
thought the blood in his body was blue.
Said his Aryan friend
'it's most likely a blend,
diagnosing is something I do.'
But the Jew was not really impressed
as he knew that all Jews had been blessed,
so he said 'Diagnosis
is like apoptosis'
and he slyly suggested a test.
At the doctor's they quickly were led
to the blood lab where both men were bled.
After seventeen pints
it was clearly a Heinz,
fifty-seven, but thoroughly red.
**************************************************
A female and young cockatiel
had just finished her evening meal.
When an image occurred
of a masculine bird
who had feathers and sexual appeal.
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In a cage at Saskatchewan Zoo
lived a cranky old cockatoo,
he was talking all day
and had something to say
to the resident kangaroo.
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When his patient came down with trichines
he imbibed a large meal of brown beans.
During late hour shopping
when the worms kept on dropping
he did crush them to smithereens.
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When Tusnelda had appendicitis,
German measles and encephalitis,
they postponed the procedure
and soon needed a preacher
as her surgeon had conjunctivitis.
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There was an old granny named Flo
she came down with gangrene on her toe,
so she went to the dentist
who was known as adventist
and he said 'it's a tooth for a toe.'
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When they gave her the grave diagnosis
fulminating haemochromatosis,
she said 'life is a bummer,
I'm way past my last summer
but my boobies do suffer from ptosis.'
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When the specialist checked out his heart
he got nervous and let out a fart.
Said the cardiac nurse
'you don't need to rehearse,
but the sound was a true piece of art.'
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He was scheduled to get a new kidney,
though he tried to obtain one from Whitney,
fifty million car parts
but no kidneys or hearts,
so he got his new kidney in Sydney.
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'You will start taking LIPITOR',
said the Doc. Asked the patient 'what for? '
'If it gets to your ticker
you'll get sicker and sicker,
it's that bloody cholesterol whore.'
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Any doctor today must have stealth,
as he deals with his patients' ill health.
Let me tell you, my friend
what goes on in the end,
it's a state-sanctioned transfer of wealth.
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And the funeral was quite perverse,
they had painted brassieres on the hearse.
When he was in the ground
you could hear a small sound,
not a prayer but maybe a curse.
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A professor, quite brilliant but odd
loved the nightlife, the dirty old sod.
In the day he was thinking
and at night he was drinking.
In between he would pray to his God.
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There once was a maξtre d'
who had hurt during prayer his knee.
When no doctor could cure it
he was forced to endure it.
Now he's using the other knee.
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There was a young butcher in Fife
who was stuck with a disloyal wife.
While he cut up the meat
she would go off and cheat,
there was truly no pleasure in life.
So, one day he had caught her in bed
with the preacher who'd said 'I thee wed',
since he couldn't convince them
he chopped up and then minced them.
And the two have since then been quite dead.
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Two bacilli, one blue and one green
were complaining that humans were mean,
they were losing their stuffing
and were huffing and puffing,
it was hexameth-tetramine.
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Some would say that as humans do age
that they will not so often engage
in enjoyment of sex
which is just a reflex,
as the world is a sticky-beak stage.
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When, in Vienna, Doc Sigmund Freud
who at that time was duly employed
by the town of whipped cream,
he would take out your dream,
leave behind super-ego and void.
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Robert Koch had a fine microscope
which identified critters and dope,
when he placed his small sparrow
on the slide (which was narrow)
he decided there could be no hope.
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Konrad Roentgen invented the rays
that could see all the body's weird ways.
When he looked at his spouse
through her wide-open blouse
he was sure that curiosity pays.
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There once was a Peter named Paul.
They were seen hanging out in the Mall.
They had dinner for one
on a hamburger bun.
Peter burped but it really was Paul
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At forty a man's presbyopic,
not far-sighted or merely myopic.
If to you it seems odd
it was gracious of God
since so many things are microscopic.
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A dentist's assistant named Jule
saw a blister appear on his tool.
Said the dentist 'don't fret
it's the girl that you met
from the Queensland Venereal School.'
***********************************************
Herbert Nehrlich
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479.
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A Limerick For Ted
It was Buford the Sheriff who said
if you're not in your house and in bed
you can carry a stick
to ward OFF every prick
or you simply use bullets of lead.
He walked softly, due to his fine shoes.
And he carried a very short fuse.
When he GAVE back the star
he went straight to the bar
and fell into a barrel of booze.
He got pissed as you well can deduce
yet he wanted to reproduce.
When he saw the young maid
he got mad and she laid.
In the morning they tied him the noose.
As he hung in the sun near the hills
way past caring and man's petty ills.
In his trousers, which housed
little dork stayed aroused
unaware that his action could kill.
So the moral of this little fable,
is that those who are willing and able
to risk life and risk limb
on a sexual whim
are much safer, of course, in a stable.
I say hide all your sexual urges
and those seminal androgen surges.
Choose the dead of the night
to turn loose your small kite
keep it private then when he submerges.
A good poet named Sheridan's Ted
who reminds me of Swiss buddy Fred.
Did inspire these words
(no, not mockinbirds)
Pssst, amigos I'm going to bed.
Herbert Nehrlich
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480.
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A Long Day
Too late they found it was a bungle,
the doctor had been drunk at work
he diagnosed the spot as fungal
but then the patient went berserk
inside the sweaty Fitness Jungle
just North of D-Day, near Dunkirk.
Herbert Nehrlich
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