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Best Poems From
AMANDA SAVELEY
(December 29,1987)
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33.
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A Moment of Weakness
My solitude leads me to irritation.
Plain and simple,
Everything you do anymore leaves me angry.
I wish this were not so.
I wish everything were the way it was before,
When I had no cares and you had no worries
Back when everything was new and sweet
And ignorant.
The pain is almost more than one can bear these days.
And yet...
I cannot leave you.
Not like this.
I refuse to give this up.
I refuse...
To let this die along with all my other failures,
To just let it fall with my shortcomings...
No.
Not today.
Not tomorrow,
Or the day after,
Or the day following that...
Never!
...lest you beat me to it.
Amanda Saveley
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34.
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Another Dose of Emotional Morphine
Should I even bother?
Does it really matter?
Am I sitting here waiting
For something that will never come?
Did I delude myself
Into thinking too much?
Into thinking you'd stay?
Assume you won't go away?
It was my mistake.
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all again
I got so far
And got so low
It's getting hard
To let you go
But soon I must
Why, I don't know
You're getting too close
I'm starting to show
Layers are peeling
I'm fading away
I refuse to fall backwards
I don't want to delay
So if you must hurt me
Please hurt me today
I knew from beginning
It's always this way
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
And I gotta let you know
I just gotta let you go
Before we tear ourselves apart
Don't wanna tear away your heart
See you waiting
Lonesome, lonely
See you waiting
I see you waiting
Breaks my heart to see you cry
It breaks my heart to watch us die
I know that I should wonder why
But I can't ever wonder why
No, can't take time to say goodbye
I'd stick around to live this lie
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Amanda Saveley
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35.
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Cartography of a Relationship Almost Lost
Trying to pinpoint moments in time is like trying to graph the human psyche.
No matter how hard you try, it cannot be done.
Yet, we try to point out specific moments in history
Places where we though something went wrong,
Desperately trying to isolate it in order to avoid an encore
A reoccurrance of sorts
And yet, though I know this simple fact of life
It does not stop me from trying
Trying to figure out when phone conversations shortened in length
And the time spread farther between them
In an effort to compensate,
Just as we make a special effort to compensate on the occasions
That used to be an everyday thing
It's like changing the pattern of breathing, really.
What used to be natural enough to say
Is suddenly supposed to be implied
As if all the declarations at the beginning were meant to be stored like grain,
Waiting for a time when nourishment would be needed
But words aren't grain.
And time can't be marked
Conversations don't get longer the less they occur
They only dry up like a well in the hot desert heat of remorse and regret
No clouds pass by to replenish the source,
Only blazing fires of anger and redemption that further deplete the flow
That used to pass in currents from one being to the next
No longer moving,
But still
And silence haunts these halls,
Building thicker the wall of disconnected lines and things left unsaid
Creating a wall so high we cannot see over it
So solid we cannot break through it
And so steep we have no hope of climbing it
And our resolution to pretend it does not exist because we can't see it
Only enforces its strength,
Pushing against you
Pushing against me
Pushing us apart
Until that small well almost dried up,
Vastly expands into an ocean
One which neither you nor I can cross,
No matter how hard we try.
Amanda Saveley
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36.
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Even Glue Flakes Away In The End
Things bounce off me, everlasting cycles of motion.
I'm rubber, you're glue...
I am invincible, never showing emotion.
Everything bounces off me and sticks to you
My opinions are strong, I stand by my own.
But no one knows I'm coming unglued
My words are my honor. In truth I stand alone.
My hinges are slowly becoming unscrewed
I live for my family, for my friends I do yield.
I'm carefully coming apart at the seams
I work to my fullest, my potential fulfilled.
I'm walking through life like I'm sleeping through dreams
I live by example, to prove to the world
My ideals are shattered, they're worn clear to the bone
That I am more than an ordinary girl
I'm important to no one, and I stand alone.
Amanda Saveley
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