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Best Poems From
AMANDA SAVELEY
(December 29,1987)
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21.
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An interesting way to die
I want...
Need
To fix this.
Somehow...
To gain forgiveness...
I would scale a wall.
I'm suddenly feeling the azure-eyed hero of angst,
The only things separating us being physical appearance
And the fact that,
Instead of avoiding the phone,
I cling to it in simple desperation
(Okay, maybe not cling, but I'm definitely in close vicinity)
I never wait for calls.
I loathe the thing called the telephone.
In fact,
If I could communicate by shouting from my front lawn,
I'd do it!
But I can't.
Though I would.
I would shout my apology out
To the entire neighborhood
For blocks and blocks
Until my voice died
Or someone shoots me
I should be shot
Hanged for my crimes against love
Thrown off the highest balcony in the city
Which honestly isn't that high,
But it's definitely enough to kill me
Not in the way I deserve
But who's to choose?
I should be stabbed,
Slaughtered the way I'm sure I slaughtered you,
Tearing out your heart in brutal agony
All over things I just cannot say to you
I don't blame you for not returning my call
I wouldn't want to talk to me either
I wouldn't want to see me ever again
I would want to do to me what I did to you
Tenfold,
And without mercy
I should die for what I did
And I am dying
Sitting here,
Waiting for a call that may never come
A most appropriate sentence.
Amanda Saveley
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22.
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Angel, Manifested
Thank you girl, sweet girl, dear girl
For spreading your wings
But remaining grounded
For reaching for the stars
But keeping down-to-Earth
For knowing your boundaries
But aspiring to reach beyond them
For understanding your place in life
But knowing that someday, you will have more
For biding your time
And showing people that there is hope
For exposing your inner darkness
While lighting a candle for others
You are an inspiration
When I began to lose sight
When the world was too heavy
And nothing seemed right
When surrounded by distruction
And helpless depair
You were a reminder
That some people care
Though you're an ocean away
Someone I barely know
Through your beautiful words
You've shown me your soul
And though I be older
And on this earth longer
It's obvious to me
You are perhaps the one stronger
I've had more experiences
I've had more time
But the wisdom in your words
Are nothing but sublime
Yet your modesty prevails
And this is the thing inspires
When this modern day
Is full of arrogant liars
I will remember you
And the way you bare your heart
Hoping this is a lesson
That from me doesn't part
So whenever you think
That you are worth a bit less
Remember there's someone
Who thinks you're the best
Amanda Saveley
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23.
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Another Cinematic Moment in Life
Tired arms drag along
m
y
s
i
d
e
s
Like they've taken on a thousand weights
But the rest of my body feels the same
Nothing can be said to darken my doorstep tonight
No, my heart was light as a feather
In the passenger seat
As you were driving me home
In the front seat of your car
Windows fogged like that scene from Titanic
I smile at you as if there was nothing that could ever harm me
Like the thought that you might leave
Doesn't terrify me
Like the thought that
Even if you stay
One of us has to leave
In the end
But those things mean nothing tonight,
As I'm holding your hand
And watching your smile of brilliant light
As I turn, almost too tired to think,
And write the three words on your fogged window
You object, writing on your window in argument
'Doubt it' I write back
No way could you love me more
Continue with finger steady, I trace
The question I never thought I'd ever ask
Over water condensated over glass
Ever the male figure, you turn my question against me
My only response,
'Fine. Have it your way.'
You look at me most uncertain, tracing letters back clear
'Is that a yes? '
Smiling, I scribble a quick answer,
Not thinking of the weight of it all,
Having already thought of it too many times before
Yes.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes
I'd take your name and write it on everything I owned
Checks, resumιs, our children's bookbags,
And my entire possible life plays out in tiny slides
Smiley faces and stupid words still scribbled out on windows
As if we're both too tired for words
And too afraid to break the delicate silence that has fallen over us
Despite the earlier fight and the slight separation
I know this could be forever
If only I could hold on long enough
To try.
Amanda Saveley
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24.
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Another Dose of Emotional Morphine
Should I even bother?
Does it really matter?
Am I sitting here waiting
For something that will never come?
Did I delude myself
Into thinking too much?
Into thinking you'd stay?
Assume you won't go away?
It was my mistake.
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all again
I got so far
And got so low
It's getting hard
To let you go
But soon I must
Why, I don't know
You're getting too close
I'm starting to show
Layers are peeling
I'm fading away
I refuse to fall backwards
I don't want to delay
So if you must hurt me
Please hurt me today
I knew from beginning
It's always this way
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
And I gotta let you know
I just gotta let you go
Before we tear ourselves apart
Don't wanna tear away your heart
See you waiting
Lonesome, lonely
See you waiting
I see you waiting
Breaks my heart to see you cry
It breaks my heart to watch us die
I know that I should wonder why
But I can't ever wonder why
No, can't take time to say goodbye
I'd stick around to live this lie
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Amanda Saveley
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