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Best Poems From
AMANDA SAVELEY
(December 29,1987)
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81.
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The Truth?
The truth?
I lie.
I hurt.
I hurt others.
I get angry to make the pain hurt less.
I miss my mother, and my brothers.
I've never felt more alone than I do right now.
My boyfriend...
is wonderful.
but I don't deserve him.
My mother is
gone...
it's all I see anymore.
my mother has become a voice on the other end of a telephone line too long to reach my heart.
I love...
music.
It says everything I just can't seem to form in words.
But I don't dream.
I can barely recall.
What is a fantasy...
If you have nothing to imagine?
I am currently...
in a home that is really not a home at all.
A house is not a home
If there is nothing in it which resembles family.
I'm not...
happy.
confident.
smart.
stable.
honest.
All I really want is...
peace of mind
I am wearing...
my clothes.
my smile.
my facade.
My life is...
a lie.
plain and simple.
But my mood...
right now...
is as real as it's ever been.
Still, today I...
woke up.
went to class.
donated blood.
talked to friends.
saw my boyfriend.
came home.
sat at the same chair as every other night.
stared at the monitor.
buried a lie.
That's the truth.
Amanda Saveley
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82.
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To Know You...
To know you is to love you
Then love you, I cannot
For I could never comprehend
That which you seem to be
And yet, are not
All at the same time
We bicker, nay, fight
Incessantly.
The victor alternates in a never-predictable pattern
In which neither of us really understands until the next bout
I can't ever understand you.
You, for whom I would lay life on line
Allow the theft of my breath before I witness your death
Eyes close once more, never opened
And to look upon your face and know that it would be my last sight,
I would swoon at the mere thought
Yes, I adore you.
You should know that by now.
Though we fight and we fight
Until neither of us has anything more to say
Only a thick silence to cover our naked egos
Our harshly murmured comments
Like knives into flesh
Cutting and slicing
Not to make pain,
Just a point
You once said you felt like throwing your ring across a room.
That ring which I so carefully selected
That ring which I presented to you in bare form,
No more vulnerable than I was when I was borne unto the world
And I laid life and light on line
Simply to prove that which I though needed be reinforced
And I cried at your words.
No,
I broke down.
Not in sobs
Nor curses
Nor scene of hands in hair on ground
I only shed a simple tear that could barely escape
For the walls so carefully constructed and set aside
Were crumbling down to the point of oblivion
I can honestly say I died that day
Just another part of my barely existent innocence
That which I sought in vain to preserve
And nevertheless,
I lost.
To know you is to love you
But I do not know you
I do not see how I ever could
But that preciously preserved ignorance I sport like an outer skin
Will protect me
Until the next time, perhaps...
Amanda Saveley
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83.
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True
Your absence leaves me...
Deprived.
And in my heart of hearts I know...
Somewhere...
It must be true.
Yes, you are gone.
You are not here.
You're somewhere else.
And somewhere deep inside myself...
Somehow...
I know it must be true.
Yes, I know myself better than all the rest,
Enough to say life's not been best.
I know enough to say what I believe.
Yet somewhere, somehow, deep inside...
I know it to be true.
Yes, it's quite the thing you see,
I never thought that I would be,
And now I am; I know that this is true...
Somehow deep inside my heart,
My soul...
I know I must love you.
Amanda Saveley
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84.
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'Water landing' sounds suspiciously like crashing into the ocean...
I'm crashing.
Faster than a jet liner into the Atlantic
And I know something's terribly wrong here
Flying higher than a kite with no medicinal aid
Only to sink after the endorphins die,
So fast to flee...
To return to the unexplainable source
And so I'm crashing,
Not able to grab onto a floatation device
He's not here with me today
And so I'm sinking
Unable to write that song I thought I had
Wrestling with the always-present questions like...
Cutting my hair, okay?
Gonna work out, okay?
Doing my homework, okay?
But this weight drags me down heavily
Causing me to sink into the depths of my own self-loathing
And I'm crashing
Ever so slowly
I can't stop it
Fighting only makes me suffer
Waves overlapping and it kills me to see my own demise
It kills me to see my own sun setting
And beautiful words collide in my mind
But none of them are coherent enough to make art
I'm striving, ever the tortured artist
But there's no output
Cause there's no input
Unplug me, unplug me
The lyrics without the tune
Is like a guitar without an amp
Just ugly, just ugly
Like an face unpainted vamp
Oh I'm crashing
Further down into the underground
Burying myself in pity
Refusing to relive glory days
To sink to that level would be sooo
Middle-aged schoolteacher with lame life engrossed with children
How I loathed you
Not willing to sink to that level,
There's got to be
Oh there's got to be
A ledge
Somewhere.
Amanda Saveley
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