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Best Poems From
AMANDA SAVELEY
(December 29,1987)
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73.
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Not All Endings Are [Happily Ever After]
I don't write anymore.
It makes me sad like this stain on my teeth
That only shows when I'm smiling.
I'm hoping that my temporary release
From the birdcage that's become my life
Will stir my muse to singing once again
The praises of my creative delight.
But I just don't know.
I'm terrified to find out,
Just in case I've become this two-bit
Rusted out never-was.
I wanted to be a slam poet,
Nay, THEE slam poet,
Inspiring and aspiring people with my tongue
In ways that prostitutes only dream
An intellectual sexual experience
That would blow minds
In more ways than one.
Instead,
I'm a slave to my own misery,
Whoring out any advice I can give
In exchange for just a second of peace of mind
And the feeling like I'm really truly loved.
You can't appreciate me,
Nor do you ever really respect me.
Instead of taking the gem I used to be,
And holding me up to the sun where I could shine for you,
You buried me in the dirt.
That’s where I’ve been,
Waiting for someone to pick me up,
Clean me off,
And find the real value within me
That I can’t even assess anymore.
Would it be you?
Or are you too far lost in the mud
To remember where you left me?
I want to listen to love songs
And think the thought so delicate
“That’s me.”
Instead I’ve got this thought
That I “should be loved by you”
If only you didn’t have “growing up to do”
We wouldn’t be “slow dancing in a burning room.”
And I hate it.
And I want to cry over it.
But this well is dry
And that’s what concerns me most of all.
Because when you’re so worn out you can’t even cry
Then it’s over.
Really. Truly. Over.
Amanda Saveley
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74.
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Olfactory Nerves Plucked Bitter Memoires Like Broken Piano Keys
It's funny how,
Even when I think I've washed myself clean of you,
You come into the front of my mind again.
My detergent smells like you
And sitting here, surrounded in the scent of my dryer sheets
I find myself reminiscing
Of things that were, things that weren't,
That could have been, but not
And I can't help but notice how I missed that smell
Your own distinct scent I tried so hard to find
On Wal-Mart shelves and lines of cologne bottles
I thought I'd lost it, that scent.
Grasping on to it like I sometimes wish I could you,
I tell myself it was for the better and that nothing good could have come from it
But just who do I think I'm fooling?
I miss you sometimes.
The kind of freedom you brought me
The feeling that I would never be alone
That feeling I...desperately...try to extract from my current relations
But fall short of by mere inches.
Perhaps you were my breaking point.
The last straw that broke the camel's hump
And I find it hysterical how I can find meaning in even that
To remind me of you
Or maybe,
Who I think is you...
That odd smell only our small-town Subway seems to have...
Entwined with that scent
That scent that nearly drives me mad whenever I catch it on a drift
Just enough to make me scramble to remember where I had it before
Just enough to make me insane
And yet, catching it in full force was all I really needed.
Unscrewing that cap of new detergent not-yet-tried to get a blast of nostalgia
It was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
But I won't let it be my undoing...
Because I will not break at the mention of your name anymore
I will not cry for what I thought was my only chance
I will not lie in bed, slowly killing myself from the inside,
Hoping to leave a bitter shell for someone to mend or break
I will not ask you to save me.
I do not have to.
I already have been.
Amanda Saveley
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75.
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Once Again...
I was always ever-so-patient with you
Everything that I said, every time it was true
Every time you leave me baited
Hanging on, but still I waited
Once again...you've left your mark
Once again...I'm left in the dark
Once again...I'm left in the dust
Once again...it's me you don't trust
On your behalf, I shed enough tears
And all for you, I shed all my fears
It matters not how long it'll take
For you, I'll wait, I will not break
Once again...I'm all in a bind
Once again...you leave me behind
Once again...I can't find my way
Once again...you're walking away
And someday, things just might get harder
And someday, I just might get smarter
But don't think I'll ever stray
Right by your side is where I'll stay
But, once again...on baited breath
Oh, once again...I wait til death
Yes, once again...nothing has changed
Ah, once again...I feel estranged
Oh, once again...I will be near
Yes, once again...I'm waiting here
But once again...there's a despute
And once again...you remain mute
I was always ever-so-patient with you
Everything that I said, every time it was true
Perhaps it's karma, perhaps it's fate
But how long will I be expected to wait?
Amanda Saveley
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76.
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Paper Cranes
Today, I rid myself of you
I rid myself of you
And all your
Stupidity
Insecurity
Obliterating madness
And I will burn your paper cranes
The ones I promised I'd always keep for you
As long as you loved me
But you don't love me
Anymore
I rid myself of you today
And all the stupid things you say
I rid myself of all the stupid
Calls
Falls
Tears
Fears
Sometimes I wonder why I'm here
And I will burn your paper cranes
The ones I promised I'd always keep for you
As long as you loved me
But you don't love me
Anymore
And I will burn your stupid paper cranes
I will burn away all my pain
Yes I will burn those paper cranes
And I will burn your memory
Amanda Saveley
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