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Best Poems From
AMANDA SAVELEY
(December 29,1987)
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45.
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Games
Tragedy leaks from silent liquid dispensers
Ragged sobs held within from years of practice
Repetitions of self-proclaimed happiness are no longer necessary
I'm miserable.
You don't know it.
But that's how it is.
I'm good at faking.
Always the one to speak up at injustice,
Regardless of my own thoughts
I slid the door shut on my own humanity
Life sucks.
But we all must deal.
So I deal with pain like the hand I was dealt,
Chasing cards into the deck like madness through minds
Setting ablaze everything that reminds me of things
I'd rather not remember
It wasn't really my fault...
But that's life, right?
That's the way the game is played...
Right?
Of course.
Because I didn't get to pick my pawn
I closed my eyes and held out my hand
As the heavy burden of the piece was weighed
And slid down into my palm
A lovely enterprise, I think
So I rolled the dice and spun the dial
Waiting for some kind of lucky card to bail me out
But the endless succession of bad luck seemed to follow me everywhere
So I started this fire,
Setting to ruin all that reminded me of the games played before
The endless comradery that is no longer of service
I'm little more than a plague to myself
A disease,
Threatening to eat up every last bit of humanity
Until nothing is left
But a shadow
A shadow of what I once was and may never be again
A shadow of what was once both sincere and an illusion
What was broken and mended
And broken again
Until there was nothing left
No adhesive
To possibly put my pawn
Together again
Amanda Saveley
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46.
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God Is Out To Lunch, Please Take A Number
I'm done hating You now.
I accept that which I cannot change
And acknowledge the self-infliction
I understand as much as I can
And do all that I need
Nothing stops hurting,
Hating You makes the walls of my denial stronger
But the pain is still ever-present
Popping up unexpectedly,
Like a guest to dinner that no one wants
That eats at my soul
Until all that I was
Is barely more than a memory
Waiting for my resurrection,
I cannot depend on You for aid
I cannot bear to ask
It is not my pride which prevents my submission
But the knowledge that acceptance does not solve
Just makes apparent
How can I numb this,
Ice my wound until all I feel
Is the irritating pangs of my regret
Which dull after time
Until I am little more
Than a shadow
Amanda Saveley
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47.
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Grounded
Alive...
I am alive.
By a tiny string tied at the ends,
I am alive.
Tied to heavy rocks and posts,
I am alive.
Weighed down by the rocks and posts
Personal baggage and past ghosts
Tied to these things, to the ground squarely
Yes, I am indeed alive...
But barely.
Amanda Saveley
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48.
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He Smiled (Ode To A Friend)
He always smiled.
Crazy-haired boy with tired eyes
That told the story of his neverending struggle
With this mess called life...
Those eyes are closed now.
They will see no more.
But he always smiled.
He could never win in life.
Much as he tried,
He only made things worse.
He could give good advice but couldn't take his own.
He was a lot like me...
But he always smiled.
Lines marring bare flesh betrayed him.
Told his story.
I said to him,
'Got something to say? Write it on paper, not your arms.'
'Pain makes great what pure skill cannot.'
'Masochism is a sure sign of stupidity. Plus, it's not a very attractive quality.'
And he listened.
He took my advice where I could not take his.
But he always smiled.
And at the end of all things,
He went where I could not follow.
He left misery behind to wait with me.
There was pain.
There was dark.
There was loss.
But he always smiled.
My friend, my confidante...I will always miss you.
Be in peace.
And wait for me.
Amanda Saveley
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